Overactive Imagination

Let me warn you: I am feeling rather punchy this afternoon. What else would you expect after (1) spending two hours with an elementary school group (most of whose members do not receive much [if any at all] discipline from their parents or their teacher) at an offsite book chat in a chocolate shop, where I had to spend the first third of the time getting the kids to order, already, and the remaining two-thirds of the time repeating, “No, just because your purchase of chocolates plus a cup of hot cocoa did not use up your entire five dollars does not mean you can plan to buy a second round. Now, about this book we’re supposed to be discussing…” and (2) participating in a conference luncheon that, it would be safe to say, would not rank among the top luncheons remembered for their scintillating conversation.

That is why my reaction to the Web site I went to visit (hang on a sec, I’m getting to it) may not be the kindest reaction I’ve had to someone’s loss. And I would like to say, that I’m sure this is a wonderful idea, and I am awed at the time people have volunteered to make such a clearinghouse of information available to people in need.

There is a Web site called L0st Quilt C0me H0me (No, I will not link to it because of what I am about to share with you all. If it is so important to you, do a Google search. Then their sitemeter won’t find any connection between my site and theirs. [You might want to change those zeroes to o’s first, by the way]). This is a site where people who have lost a treasured quilt can share a description of the quilt, where it was last seen, and why it is of value to them, and if you happen to have innocently “found” this quilt, why, you can send it on home! Amen! Hallelujah!

The thing is, my punchy mood kept inserting little scenarios in my head as I read the descriptions. Let me share some with you:

1. [The searchee] needs help locating a quilt that was made by her great-great grandmother. It was one of the last quilts made by her great-great grandmother before she died. [Her] grandmother cherished it since she received it when she was nine years old….The quilt was last seen on May 12, 2006, in West Point, Iowa when it was stolen off the wall of her house on the same weekend that there was a large quilt show in Iowa City, Iowa.

“Henrietta, you better lock your doors and get out the shotgun! Those wicked wicked quilters [spit] are comin’ back to town this weekend… And you know how the police department is in the pocket of the local Quilter’s Guild. Us reg’lar folks just have to watch out for our own, is all. I’ve done called my nephew Rufus and axed him to spend the night. With his double-barrel shotgun t’keep him company—you betcha!”

2. [Jane Doe] is hoping to recover a quilt … which she made for Mark Knopfler. It was last seen in 1983 in Camberwell, London, England when builders were in the house…Please contact [Jane] at [some e-mail address] if you find this quilt. There is a massive reward for the return of the quilt.

Gossip 1: “That Jane thinks she’s so high and mighty!”

Gossip 2: “Yeah!”

Gossip 1: “Trying to get us to believe she knew Marc Knopfler when she went up to London in the eighties.”

Gossip 2: “Yeah!”

Gossip 1: “The only thing I can believe is that she was so high the whole time, she doesn’t remember anything about the boys she met. They could have called themselves anything, and she would have been all, ‘Here I am, boys, the door’s wiiiiiide open!’ I heard she had to buy new panties every week, because she kept ‘misplacing’ them when she went out…”

Gossip 2: “Oooooh!” [titter titter] ... "Really?"

3. [Joan Doe] is hoping to recover a quilt that she made for [John Doe]. It was accidentally left in an apartment when [John] was moving from Colorado to Oregon … It has a hand written label on the back that says, "To [John Doe] from [Joan Doe] Christmas 2004."

“Accidentally.” Yeah, right. I bet John got an earful when Joan visited him in his new place!

4. [June Doe] made two sampler quilts as gifts for Christmas 2006. The quilts were wrapped and under the Christmas tree when the house was broken into and all the Christmas presents were stolen, along with an expensive digital camera and their computer. A police report was filed.

Russ: “Sparky! Look at our haul! A digital camera and a computer! We can hock these down at Fagin’s, and we’ll be able to support our drug habit at least through New Years!”

Sparky: “Never mind that, Russ—lookee what we got here! Two sampler quilts! You can just toss those old electronics in the trash bin. We got ourselves some sampler quilts!”

Russ: “Sweet!”

5. Fifteen years ago [Jolene Doe] let her ex-husband's young child use her Horse Quilt. They temporarily moved to Virginia and [Jolene] hasn't seen or heard from them since. At the time, most of his family and the child's mother lived in Alabama so they may have gone back there after Virginia.

This, this, proves the Cinderella story got it all wrong. It’s not the stepmother who’s the antagonist. It’s always those dang stepkids making off with your horse quilts!