In Which the Dog Guest-Blogs

My life sux rox. It all started last Wednesday, when She offered to take me for a walk first thing in the morning. I was pleasantly surprised. Usually, I’m just shooed out back before the sun has a chance to heat up the yard, and I freeze my toes trying get back inside as quickly as possible. But a walk! That’s my favorite.

It was a nice long walk, better than the typical two blocks. I should have become wary when we entered That Place. That Place that smells of fear and loathing: cats, dogs, studs, bitches, and those peculiar types like Dulce the big St. Bernard that used to live across the street (no matter how “in the mood” I would be, he would just ignore me and amble on, lumpedy lump).

Anyway, I really did get worried when they tried to get me behind the swinging door, and She wasn’t coming along. I sat down and refused to budge. She finally came next to me and together we went through the swinging doors. But then all of a sudden She was gone and they brought me to one of those metal kennels. (I hate those, they’re all hard and grid-like when you try to sit in them—even with layers of newspaper on the bottom).

Funnily enough, I must have dozed off, because the next thing I know, I’m being brought to one of the smaller rooms, and She and my two Sisters are waiting for me. I’m feeling pretty tired, woozy, and a bit numb on my belly. They are all cooing around me and pick me up to take me to the car. (Good thing, too, because I kept losing my balance and tripping.)

As the afternoon wore on, I was feeling all out of sorts. I definitely seemed to have a balance problem, I wasn’t interested in food, and there were these itchy little bugs clasping onto my belly. (Probably the damn cat. He’s always hanging around with the wrong crowd outside and bringing back unwelcome guests) Anyway, I didn’t understand it because whenever I tried to get those bugs off my belly, my People would stop me—scolding, moving my face, and in the end using the firm “No” voice. Good thing I was tired and could just fall asleep on them.

Thursday morning is when the sucking rocks thing started. He came back from driving one of my Sisters to school carrying the most dread torture device I had ever seen. Not only did it keep me from gnawing at those itchy bugs (And man! Were they getting itchy!), but I kept banging into doorways and walls; plus it made me look like a fool. See?:

At first, the cat steered clear of me. I heard him. He thought I didn’t but I heard when he mumbled, “Dude, I have no idea what you did wrong, but I am staying the frack away from you! I’ve got my rep’ to be careful of, y’know?” But now he sticks his face right into mine, his stupidass cat breath up my nose, teasing me. But I just snap a bit and he’s outta there! This turf is still mine. I’m allowing him to stay here, but only because he does such a good job licking my ears. And really, the boy has no idea how to do a good butt clean. What would he do without me?

Anyway, last night in my kennel I was able to pull off the torture device, and I tried to destroy it. But this morning, they cleaned it up, duct-taped the raw edges, and put it back on.

Like I said, my life sux rox.

**Sigh**