First, They Drive Us Insane

About seven weeks ago, I got a recorded message call: “Please call America Online for some important information. This is not a sales call.” At first, I ignored it. We do not have (nor ever have had) an AOL account, so I figured I had no reason to waste my time calling them (Let me just say here that I really don’t like the new modus operandi of many corporations [credit cards, mostly] of calling you with a recording telling you to call them back for an important message. What, the 5 rupees a day that you pay your live slave labor getting to be too much for you, you big multinational life-sucker from hell?!)

In the back of my mind, I was bugged that I was getting a call from AOL at all. We’re on the Do Not Call list, we have a telemarketer zapper phone, … we thought we had all the bases covered.

Then the recorded calls got more frequent. They would call before 8 AM. They would call after 8 PM. Finally, I had had enough. I called the 800 number they gave in the message to tell them to knock it off.

“Do you know Peggy Sue?” they asked. Erm, that’s my sister-in-law’s name, but I sure wasn’t going to tell them that. I just said there was no Peggy Sue at this number and to quit calling us.

They kept calling us. And calling us. AND. CALLING. US.

Every person we spoke to at AOL (by this time we were pretty sure it was a collection agency for AOL, not AOL directly) promised us that they would take our number off their list immediately, but it might take 24 hours for it to run through the system—This was one hell of a long 24 hours, let me tell you! So, my Imperator Consort mentioned to his sister that we were getting these calls for her at our number. She has had an AOL account for ages, and had no idea what they’d be calling us for; but she asked us to ask AOL next time they called. Sure enough, the next day we got another important call from the AOL recording. I hung up, waited until the message was done (It was one of those hijacking phone messages. You know the ones, they keep running even after you hang up [I thought those were outlawed, weren’t they?]), and called the 800 number (again).

After we got the formalities out of the way (“Hi, my name is Jeanine, blah blah blah, what number are you calling from, …”), she asked the inevitable: “Do you know Peggy Sue?” Yes, as a matter of fact, she’s my sister in law. So, what’s this message about?

Shocked silence. “Well,” said Jeanine, “I can’t tell you. It’s private.” But you’ve been harassing my phone line for weeks! Why can’t you just tell me? Peggy Sue asked me to find out what these calls were all about! “That would be against the law. Privacy issues. No can do.”

Ho-kay. I hang up with Jeanine, call Peggy Sue (probably interrupting her dinner, I realized afterwards) and tell her tersely that they won’t tell us anything. She’ll just have to make the call. She promises to get right on it. I hang up, and try to absorb all the adrenaline that the phone call with Jeanine has pumped in my bloodstream. Deep cleansing breaths, deeeeep cleansing breaths.

Five minutes later, Peggy Sue calls back. She just spoke to AOL. Her account is paid up and they have NO IDEA why we’ve been getting these calls. My only response at this point is: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr.

The calls keep coming. Now, when we get the call, it’s for Dennis. Who the fuck is Dennis? We both only have sisters! Meanwhile, the Consort has emailed the FCC. The people at AOL (or its collection agency) keep promising that they are personally deleting our number from their list, as we speak. Bullshit! I shout. I cajole. I joke. I tell them that this experience is leaving me no choice but to tell everyone I know, and strangers, too, not to use AOL. Nothing works.

We get a letter from the FCC with a case number. The Consort answers the next call from AOL, gives them the case number, and tells them to stop calling.

Last night, after realizing that we haven’t gotten a call in about ten days, I tell the Consort at dinner that his reading them the case number must have worked, because we are finally free of AOL. He is definitely my Knight in Shining Armor, and the realm is still pleased with Our choice, lo these thirteen years ago. La la la, the world is good.

At 8:15 PM the phone rings. “Hello, this is America Online. We notice you don’t have an account with us. Would you like to try us risk-free for 90 days?”